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Blog
08
Jul
2014

BDSM Blog Hop | Because BDSM Isn’t Violent Or Abusive

Posted in: Blog Hop

A few months back I saw a post scroll by in my Facebook feed that I had to go back and make sure I read correctly. Apparently there was a group that was pushing their beliefs that anyone that lived some variation of a BDSM lifestyle was in a violent and abusive relationship. Grace R. Duncan posted a link to the survey they had created that was so clearly biased it was laughable. Well, it would have been if it weren’t such a horrible viewpoint to have. Of course I went to the survey and let them know, in the nicest way I could, where they could shove their assumptions that someone that enjoys having pain with their pleasure is being abused. Or any other variation of the BDSM and Kink community there is. That’s one of the best parts of that community. That there is truly nothing WRONG with the way you play. Sure, I may not get pleasure from someone else’s ideas of kinky. But as long as they are playing by three main tenants of Safe, Sane, and Consensual, then no one will tell them it’s wrong.

I don’t normally talk about my personal life and never my past. But because it’s relevant, I will just this once. The reason that I got more steamed about the situation is because I’ve been in a violent and abusive relationship before and BDSM had absolutely nothing to do with it. All of the scars from that relationship are sadly internal ones. The worst part of all is that he never laid a finger on me. Does that make the relationship any less abusive or violent? Some say yes, some say no. For me, it’s that much harder to bear because I wasn’t the stereotypical abused girlfriend saying she got a black eye by falling into a closed door.

Back to how BDSM plays into all of this. I stayed with him for as long as I did because of the way certain things (birds, bees, sex and love) were explained to me when I was a teenager. There was nothing wrong with how it was explained. Nothing wrong with how I felt at the time. But once I was with him it became that much harder for me to get out because of that. Also because I was still learning about my own sexuality at the time and didn’t fully understand sex and everything that went along with it.

I came to learn later in life that I am submissive. I dare anyone to tell me that I’m weak and see how fast you fall on ass, bless your little heart. At the time of getting out of the relationship though I wasn’t ready to accept all of that about myself. The word was used in a passing conversation I had with someone I knew at the time and I immediately shut them down because I wasn’t weak and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let someone hit me, especially after the way I had just been treated when NOT physically hurt.

Of course in the deepest part of my mind back then some of those words and ideas stuck with me since I had learned some of what DIDN’T work in sex during that horrible first foray into it. However I didn’t learn until much later in life what submission and domination, plus the other aspects of BDSM and kink were all about. Boy did that change my life for the better.

Once I understood what it was all about, did some actual research into the topic and met people that were already in the lifestyle, it’s like a light bulb went off inside. That piece that was missing was there all along, I just had to figure it out on my own.

So, if you are in an abusive relationship, please find a way out and find the help you need. If you are in a BDSM relationship, then I am glad that you have found what you are looking for. If you are what I lovingly refer to as “vanilla”, again I am glad you have found what you are looking for. But just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t make it abusive, or violent.

I’d like to thank Grace R. Duncan for setting up this amazing blog hop. Also Vicktor Alexander for sort of pushing her into doing it (in the most loving way possible of course). Be sure to check out the other posts on the tour. You can see all of the links for the rest of the hop at the hop landing page here. There are tons participating in this amazing hop so read more and learn about some of the different aspects of BDSM.

 

5 Comments

  1. Denise Dechene says:

    Thanks for sharing. I’m not in the lifestyle but I find it fascinating. This blog has been very informative so far

  2. I really appreciate this addition to the blog hop. It irks me to no end when people conflate consensual BDSM and abuse. As you’ve stated, BDSM in itself is *not* abuse, and “vanilla” relationships can be abusive without having BDSM incorporated. It’s all about the consent. Thank you for sharing your experience!

  3. Great post, Amanda! More people need to read and understand that kink is not abuse. Abuse is abuse. When you are giving pleasure and it’s SSC, it’s so good. When it’s to hurt, degrade, manipulate, destroy the person, then that is abuse and abuse has NO place in BDSM

  4. JenCW says:

    Great post Amanda! Thank you sharing about your personal experiences, I think these kinds of personal stories help people understand better. I would never call a submissive weak, they are amazingly strong people. While I haven’t ever tried BDSM, I find it fascinating and love it in books when done correctly. I may be more than curious about it, but I find it intimidating thinking about for myself.

  5. Kimberly T says:

    I am one of those that used to consider BDSM abuse. I wasn’t ignorant enough to say that to anyone or try to make anyone else think like me, but I did believe it personally. It took me reading about it and talking to an actual submissive, in other words informing myself, of the truth behind it. I am not in the lifestyle, but it fascinates me enough to want to keep learning more and more about it.

    Thank you for participating in this hop.

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